An Open Letter to People With Whom I Attended Elementary School

Dear Fellow Moore Armadillos,

This cultural phenomenon called The Facebook can help us achieve many things. One, we are allowed to see who else enjoys being clever. Two, it expands the increasing hold that the internet has on our lives. In three thousand years, mankind will be nothing more than a pair of hands and eyes attached to a monitor. Three, we are miraculously connected with people we haven't seen, spoken to, or thought about since 1995 or earlier.

That being said, please do not contact me unless you fall into one of the following categories:

1) You have become incredibly attractive. (Male or Female - The reason being that an attractive male friend can result in attractive ladies for you. Call it a corollary to Game Theory.)
2) We currently live in the same city and therefore can reasonably expect to interact in social situations.
3) You want to provide an all expenses paid trip to Europe for the Moore Elementary Class of 1993.
4) You have some sort of hilarious story that invovles our pathetic fifth grade English teacher who was obsessed with the guy who cleaned the carpets at school.
5) You would like to pass on stories about what happened in high school after I moved away. These stories must be limited to drug use, unwanted pregnancies that became shotgun marriages, and things of that nature.
6) You are offering free beer.

Thanks for understanding.