Restatement (First) of Life
Article 8 - Transportation
Section 2 - Automobiles
Subsection 2 - Parking
A) All parking lots are to be treated as roadways. Traffic laws still apply.
B) Parking spaces are available on a first come, first serve basis.
1. It is absolutely forbidden to follow a person to a car and then wait for them to leave and take their space. Parking lots are like a lottery - sometimes you get lucky, sometimes you don't.
2. It is even more forbidden to wait in the middle of the lane with your turn signal on while a person puts their things away and gets inside their car.
a. This is especially applicable when the person leaving is putting four bags of groceries in her trunk and three toddlers in car seats. She is going to be there for a while.
b. This is ESPECIALLY applicable when there are five cars stuck behind you, each with business equally important to yours, specifically because you are parked in the middle of the lane. Move on - by the time you park, you could have been in the store, and more importantly, so could the persons stuck behind you.
c. If you are hit with a baseball bat or your tires slashed because you violate provision B.1 or B.2, you have no cause of action. The fault for your injuries is solely yours.
C) Handicapped spaces are for handicapped people.
1. Having ACL surgery six months ago does not qualify you as being handicapped, even if the sticker hasn't run out yet.
2. If you are not handicapped, but are driving a vehicle owned by a handicapped person, you do not qualify, even if the vehicle has handicapped plates.
3. Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap.
4. Neither does old age. You better have just had a hip replaced, Grandpa.
D) The proper speed for parking lots is between 5-8 mph. Not 40. Not 2.
1. You may exceed this speed limit only on the occasion that you are being chased by a van full of Lybian terrorists who want their plutonium back.
E) The lines are there for a reason.
1. If you can't park between the lines, your license is revoked.
2. If you double-park, expect to be beaten by the local police's Parking Task Force. It will be comprised of Brazilian street children who can and will take you down.
Section 2 - Automobiles
Subsection 2 - Parking
A) All parking lots are to be treated as roadways. Traffic laws still apply.
B) Parking spaces are available on a first come, first serve basis.
1. It is absolutely forbidden to follow a person to a car and then wait for them to leave and take their space. Parking lots are like a lottery - sometimes you get lucky, sometimes you don't.
2. It is even more forbidden to wait in the middle of the lane with your turn signal on while a person puts their things away and gets inside their car.
a. This is especially applicable when the person leaving is putting four bags of groceries in her trunk and three toddlers in car seats. She is going to be there for a while.
b. This is ESPECIALLY applicable when there are five cars stuck behind you, each with business equally important to yours, specifically because you are parked in the middle of the lane. Move on - by the time you park, you could have been in the store, and more importantly, so could the persons stuck behind you.
c. If you are hit with a baseball bat or your tires slashed because you violate provision B.1 or B.2, you have no cause of action. The fault for your injuries is solely yours.
C) Handicapped spaces are for handicapped people.
1. Having ACL surgery six months ago does not qualify you as being handicapped, even if the sticker hasn't run out yet.
2. If you are not handicapped, but are driving a vehicle owned by a handicapped person, you do not qualify, even if the vehicle has handicapped plates.
3. Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap.
4. Neither does old age. You better have just had a hip replaced, Grandpa.
D) The proper speed for parking lots is between 5-8 mph. Not 40. Not 2.
1. You may exceed this speed limit only on the occasion that you are being chased by a van full of Lybian terrorists who want their plutonium back.
E) The lines are there for a reason.
1. If you can't park between the lines, your license is revoked.
2. If you double-park, expect to be beaten by the local police's Parking Task Force. It will be comprised of Brazilian street children who can and will take you down.
posted by The Humble Best at 8:04 PM
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