The Smiley Face Rules

1) No male shall use a smiley face.
1a) If a male does use a smiley face, it is for one of three reasons: he is "one of the girls," he is hitting on a girl, or he is crazy.
1b) Under no circumstance shall a male send another male a smiley face, unless they are both "one of the girls."
2) Only use the angel-smiley face for ironic purposes - i.e. you are going to get drunk, etc.
3) Only use the kissy-smiley face if you are doing something incredibly girly - i.e. watching "The Bachelor"* or standing in the kitchen barefoot and pregnant.
4) No one knows what the face with the sidesways-S for a mouth means - so don't use it.
5) The sunglasses face should only be used in relation to frat boys. It can be used by frat boys, sent to frat boys, or in reference to frat boys.
6) The face with the diagonal line mouth (we'll call it the worried face) - only used if you have just contracted an STD.
7) Use your best judgment for all other smiley face uses. If you do not have good judgment, much less judgment that could be considered the best, refrain from smiley face use.

You may disagree with these rules. I don't really care. But keep the person with whom you are conversing in mind. They are the person who has to look at the smiley face and wonder what the hell it means. Let's try to keep the confusion to a minimum.

* - A note on the bachelor guy in "The Bachelor." He is a douchebag. Can there really be a winner on this show? And what kind of lesson does it teach the women of our country? The sociological implications are staggering. Let's call it "The Douchebag-Lonely Girl Question."